Mad Vlad Carries Poop Briefcase to Keep Spies from Stealing Stool

It’s no secret that authoritarian, strong-man types are a bit paranoid.  After all, they spend most of their time looking over their shoulders, waiting to see if some other shark-like creature emerges from the environment that they themselves created.

When you take that step out into authoritarianism, so too do your comrades.  It’s nearly lawless after a while, and this wild west ambience will haunt even the most tyrannical of foes.

And just how bad can this neurosis get?  Just ask the guy tasked with transporting Vladimir Putin’s poop briefcase.

Russian President Vladimir Putin carries a suitcase filled with his own excrement and urine out of fear it might reveal too much information about his health should it fall into the wrong hands, according to reports.

“Putin fears the possibility of any information about his health getting into the hands of foreign intelligence services,” Rebekah Koffler, president of Doctrine & Strategy Consulting and a former DIA intelligence officer, told Fox News Digital.

“He wants to project the image that he will be ruling Russia indefinitely in order to deter any chaos associated with a change of power.”

And it all comes home…

A report from Paris Match via the Moscow Times reveals Putin has a special aide from the Federal Guard Service who handles the suitcase, which contains his fecal matter and urine collected during his trips, and returns it to Moscow.

With rumors of Putin’s recent cancer diagnosis swirling, it would appear as though the Kremlin is looking to prevent anyone from confirming this gossip.