In what can only be described as a late-night spiral into partisan theatrics, CBS’s The Late Show host Stephen Colbert used his Thursday monologue to launch into a bizarre conspiracy theory about President Donald Trump — this time, casting doubt on whether Trump actually signed the bipartisan bill demanding the release of long-sought Jeffrey Epstein files.
“We don’t know if he actually signed the bill himself,” Colbert speculated, before invoking the idea of a mechanical signature device — a quip that may have started as satire but quickly veered into something more sinister.
“He might have just used his mechanical signature machine,” he said, alluding to autopen devices, which ironically have come under scrutiny during the Biden administration, not Trump’s.
According to Colbert, because the signing wasn’t done on camera, there’s room to question whether it happened at all. He pointed to the White House issuing a “photo lid” — a routine press move to end daily photo ops — and used that to suggest the President was somehow avoiding visual accountability.
Never one to miss an opportunity for ridicule, Colbert mocked, “He’ll sign anything on camera. Executive orders, sneakers, lady parts, wall parts, a toddler.”
While the audience laughed, the deeper implication was unmistakable: Trump, who reportedly survived two assassination attempts in the past year, is being treated not as a sitting president fulfilling legislative duty, but as a cartoon villain — or worse, a coward with something to hide.
Colbert’s sarcasm peaked as he likened Trump’s Truth Social post about the bill’s passage to the infamous Unabomber manifesto. “More proof that these files are making Trump soil his ample briefs,” he jeered, dismissing Trump’s statement, which emphasized bipartisan cooperation and the nearly unanimous vote.
Colbert concluded with an assassination-themed joke, mock-quoting Julius Caesar’s last words as “Great job, Brute,” a jarring line given the real-world threats Trump has faced.
For all the noise, Colbert ultimately admitted that the Department of Justice has 30 days to release the Epstein documents — a deadline written into the law. Yet even then, he cast doubt on the outcome: “And if you believe that, Donald Trump has an East Wing he’d like to sell you.”
